Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Rouge's gallery

Another news says that Mumbai’s police commissioner has created a rouge’s gallery of police men. Errant police officers will be put on the list along side criminals. Well, considering the attitude of most of our police men, I wonder if the list of errant officers will be much longer than that of criminals. Amen.

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Tuesday, November 29, 2011

May I?

Reports say that police stations across the state will have reception desks to guide visitors to the right officer. We do not whether the person occupying the desk will be a male or a female. But “may I help you?” could be the sentence you could hear when you happen to visit the exalted place in future.

Our police personnel are not exactly known for their courtesy. We all are used to their gruff and aggressive attitude. If the above scheme takes place and police men are taught lessons in the art of politeness, the future scene in a police station will completely change.

A man is summoned to the police station for beating his neighbor in a drunken stoop. He enters the place and looks around.

Officer: “Welcome sir, how may I help you?”

Offender: “I have been summoned here.”

Officer: “Oh, how sad, here, have a seat sir. I will find out the charges against you, while you are waiting would you like to have something sir, tea or coffee perhaps?”

After a while the receptionist guides him to the desk of one officer, Patil. Patil asks questions to the culprit very politely but the man (offender) does not agree to the charges against him made by his neighbor.

Patil: “Oh, very well sir, if you say so. Please sir, follow me.”

Offender: “Where are you taking me?”

Patil: “To our questioning room, sir. I have not been able to extract confession from you. Mr. Kamble in our questioning room will take over and do the needful. Here, follow me sir.”

Patil, all courtesy, holds the door open for the offender. Now, Kamble in the enquiring cell takes over.

Kamble: “So you don’t agree to the charges against you?”

Offender, now confident with all the courtesy shown to him: “Of course not.”

Kamble: “In that case sir, I will have to use third degree on you, May I?”

The offender comes out after a while having given full confession to the charges against him. He was disheveled from the beating taken.

Receptionist: “I am extremely sorry for what happened to you sir. May I guide you to your cell?”

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Thursday, November 24, 2011

Politically incorrect-Pawar speak

Sharad Pawar, our Maratha warlord, what with food price rise and Maharashtra State Co.op. Bank issue etc. seems to have lost his marbles these days. Recently, in response to a question he retorted: “I do not get to meet my senior friend (Bal Saheb Thackeray) now a days and I would not discuss issues with kids (Uddhav).”

Thackeray, though much senior to Pawar, is still sound in his mind. He has done the right thing in refusing to see Pawar, who doesn’t look beyond his own interest. Lalit Modi’s is a case in point. When Modi was in his prime Pawar supported him in every decision Modi took, right or wrong. The moment things went wrong for Modi, Pawar dropped him like a hot potato.

Uddhav has strongly retaliated to his statement. Before commenting on Uddhav and his age, Pawar should have considered age of his own daughter whom he is promoting in politics. Pawar is a lice that is squeezing the country’s blood dry. Now he is joined by his daughter and his nephew Ajit in this venture, a joint venture if ever there was one.

If Pawar is not prepared to talk to Uddhav because of his age, why does he talk to and even obey, Rahul Gandhi, general secretary of the Congress and his boss. The answer is simple, it serves his interest.

Now the latest is, RBI has dissolved the board of Maharashtra State Co. Op. Bank and Pawar has not liked it a bit. It is a known fact that Pawar and his stooges have milked the Bank dry to the extent that that the Bank’s records have been manipulated to show that it is in profit, where as it is in loss. Most of the loans given to the sugar barons are bad debts, thanks to Pawar.

Pawar has made enough money in sugar cane, land and sports (cricket). Now it is time he shuts his shop.



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Sunday, November 20, 2011

Celebrity news-Tarzan Salman

Now here is an interesting news item, Salman, the great actor, the great humanitarian, the great soul, is gong to play Tarzan in a movie, the idea of which was given by his brother Sohail. We on our part think he has already acted like Tarzan in Dabangg. For that matter he has acted like Tarzan in almost all movies he has done.

To us, Salman, the great Khan is the biggest fluke in the film industry. He plays double roles in real life, just like in films. On one hand he hunts rare Black Bucks, kills and maims people with his car under the influence of alcohol and has no compunction about leaving the place of the accident, leaving victims to their own devices. At times he acts like a hoodlum with media, has several court cases against him, has ego the size of Himalaya Mountain and walks as if he owns every inch of the ground he walks on.

On the other hand he runs “Being Human” foundation for the benefit of the poor. All these activities are just show offs and we believe he does all this to balance his negative actions, for he does very little and the publicity is a hundred times more.

Now back to Tarzan. Tarzan is also known as Ape Man. For this, Salman the great bhai doesn’t have to act, just be himself. Whatever he does is Ape like. Just be yourself Salman bhai, you will be the biggest Ape Man ever and people will forget Tarzan. Hence forth it will not be Tarzan the Ape Man instead it will be Salman the Ape Man.

On another note, Tarzan found his first woman Jane, married her & settled with her. Our Salman bhai has found several Janes so far and is yet to settle down with one. Here is sincerely hoping that this Tarzan movie will help him find the real one and settle down for good. Amen.

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Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Politically incorrect-Double role

Reports claim: “DMK dumps Raja to save Kanimozhi.” The (in) famous Ram Jethmalani, who is reputed to represent criminal bigwigs, defended Kanimozhi totally putting the blame of 2G Spectrum on A. Raja. Later it was observed that Raja and Kanimozhi shook hands and exchanged pleasantries. One the next hearing, though Jethmalani kept hammering Raja with all his might, Kanimozhi and Raja were found sitting together and talking amicably as if the entire procedure was a farce, or was it?

This time around, Jethmalani has his cake and he is eating it too. This defense of Kanimozhi and attack on Raja seems to be an eye wash. Jethmalani appears to be in hand and gloves with Raja’s counsel. As it is Raja has nothing more to loose. He is stuck with all the charges and he is done with so far as his freedom is concerned, if not finance. We have no system in this country to recover scam money from anyone, leave alone a politician like Raja. So as mentioned earlier, he has nothing to loose if he lets Jethmalani bash him.

Jethmalani, the old fox that he is, must have counseled Raja’s lawyer on how to defend him (Raja). He fights the case in such a way that Kanimozhi comes clean or at least gets bail, at the same time Raja’s lawyer defends Raja of all charges made by Jethmalani with latter’s own guidance. This is common practice in India. Either both opposite lawyers are on the same side or both are on both sides.

We do not know the outcome of the case, what will happen to Raja or Kanimozhi for that matter. But we do know for sure that Jethmalani will be richer by a few millions

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Sunday, November 13, 2011

Unoque taste

Ankita Rane, a resident of Thane, took photograph of a pani-puri vendor urinating in the same utensil he used to serve his customers in. Ankita did the right thing by exposing the vendor, one Rajdev Chawhan, doing this nauseating thing.

But one BJP leader, Raj Purohit, thinks otherwise. Purohit has questioned Ankita’s intentions for recording a video of the vendor while he was urinating. According to him, no girl has any business to take such photographs and has publicly questioned her motives. He also used inappropriate language against the girl and her character.

Purohit is only the one of his kind. No person in his right mind would question Ankita’s intentions and nobody has so far, except of course, Purohit. The fact is, people at large are thankful to the girl. Ankita has done admirable service to the society. Her only intention was to expose Chawhan and his deeds. The job which Purohit and his likes should have done, Ankita has done. Far from appreciating, he has challenged her character. Shiv Sena women have rightly protested Purohit’s statements and asked him to wear bangles. Even his own party has distanced itself from his remarks. Purohit, it seems has grabbed this opportunity to gain publicity. Gained he has, adverse publicity.

On a lighter note, one more explanation comes to mind. Raj Purohit is a regular and die-hard fan of this particular pani-puri vendor. He must have tried other vendors but found Chawhan’s item unique in taste. Now after trying everywhere, he has developed taste in Chawhan’s food item. Hence he doesn’t want anything to happen to the vendor. If he is arrested, where would Purohit get his taste? No body else knew his secret ingredient so far, now everybody knows, so Purohit should have no problem on that count.

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Friday, November 11, 2011

Current affairs-Power Laden

The most dreaded terror face on the earth is no more. Hats off to Barak Obama and America’s perseverance, that they relentlessly continued their search for Osama for ten long years and succeeded in eliminating him.

That said, it would be interesting to go into the other aspect of Bin Laden family. Osama was born in Riyadh, capital of Saudi Arabia, being sixteenth or seventeenth child of Muhammad, a self made man who was a millionaire, many times over. Muhammad had more then fifty children and if reports are to be believed, had seventeen wives. In comparison, Osama had four wives and has twenty four children. Like as they say: “Like father like son.” But Osama was a step or two ahead of his father as far as his family life was concerned. Osama’s father Muhammad had had fifty children from seventeen wives, that is, an average of three children per wife. By that count, Osama has twenty four off springs from four wives, that is, six per wife.

Now imagine, if Osama, like his father had married seventeen or eighteen women and had six children per wife (average), he would have had 108 children. I really wonder what the Guinness Book of world record would have to say about that. Even mighty Dhritarashtra, father of mythological Kauravas, had only a hundred children. In that event, Osama would have broken that record of almost five thousand years, a feat in itself indeed.

This record, if it had happened, would have been better, because Osama Bin Laden, busy in breaking Mahabharat and Guinness Book of world record, would have definitely refrained from terrorism and the world would have been a much better place to live in. America would not have to spend billions of Dollars looking for him, not to mention the manpower lost in finding him.

Last but not the least, Laden was not a cave man as he was made out to be, but was as much a family man as you and me, rather more so.

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Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Indian politics-Dawoodabad

Now that the US has killed Osama Bin Laden and showed us and the world that it is possible to penetrate Pakistan and get your target, there is a general opinion that India should also target at criminals like Dawood and Saeed, though Pakistan has warned us against any such misadventure.

But there is a small wedge that is, difference between India and the US. US has willing politicians whereas India has unwilling ones. Politicians are answerable to people in US, here in India even God cannot question them, for they behave like they are God themselves. US was not prepared to let go off their prey for ten long years. That shows their perseverance, we talk and forget or move onto the next incident in three months.

But just suppose that we show US like adventurism and try to get Dawood & Co. for the sake of the people, there is no question of killing him in Pakistan. We are not US and we cannott have the second-to-second precision plans. So the only thing we can do is, taking advantage of the current developments, pressurize Pakistan to hand over Dawood to us. They will never agree to part with Saeed as their government and ISI are involved in his activities.

Let us imagine that Pakistan agrees to deliver Dawood to us to stand trial here in India, what are we going to do with him? We will receive him with red carpet, the bigger the criminal, the bigger the carpet. What did we do with Kasab, nothing. If you look at the past record, our politicians were in awe of big and organized criminals like Haji Mastan, Yusuf Patel, Wardha and the likes. Dawood may be offered a film role at phenomenal price or offered a fortune for his life story publishing rights. We may offer him immunity, even give him land which will be known as Dawoodabad. Our future generation will learn “Here is where the noted and dreaded criminal Dawood Ibrahim lived and hence the place is known as Dawoodabad.”

Dawood can be sure of being defended by top class lawyer, Ram Jethmalani. After all according to Jethmalani, criminals are not criminals till they are proved criminals. Yes, we agree.

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Saturday, November 5, 2011

Culture of fakes

The other day I happened to go to Kokilaben Dhirubhai Ambani hospital in Andheri, Mumbai. This hospital is considered among the most prominent and posh hospitals of Mumbai, and rightly so. While in the hospital, I noticed several life size boards in English and Hindi, placed at significant places, warning patients and public in general about “ FAKE” or duplicate medicines. There may be more in other languages on other floors. But the one I came across in the registration department read thus in English: “Do you know there are 10500 factories manufacturing fake medicines in India? Be aware from where you buy your medicines.” This is more or less the gist of the notice. Anybody can go read it and be aware.

Now when an institution of Ambani’s prominence declares something, one can be sure of some kind of basis, some survey of some kind. The moot point is, one can rely on the information shared by the hospital. It is noteworthy that they have mentioned 10500, not ten thousand or twelve thousand or so. There is no approximation here. That in turn means that they are sure of at least these many in existence. There may be more small units in rural areas. It is quite possible.

Simple arithmetic or simple commonsense tells us that a manufacturing unit, be it a fake or genuine, cannot survive on a single retail outlet. At a rough estimate, each unit must have at least three hundred retail outlets to supply. These 10500 units are having 3150000 (thirty one lakh fifty thousand) retail outlets selling fake drugs. Chances are every second outlet is a suspect. Where do you go then?

The question is if Kokilaben Ambani hospital is aware of this, so are other hospitals and doctors and so is the government or the administration. What is Food and Drug department or whichever department which is responsible, doing about it? In any other country, the culprit of such a crime would be hanged without delay. In India it is easy to play with health and life of humans, as it has no value.

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Thursday, November 3, 2011

Celebrity news-Ye dosti

Preity Zinta, co owner of Punjab IPL team was very happy with Yuvraj Singh when he hit maximum number of sixes. Nothing wrong with that except that Yuvraj, who had earlier captained Preity’s Punjab team now plays for Pune and Preity congratulated him and if reports are to be believed, even awarded him for that feat, quite a gesture that.

In the world of cricket, opponents are enemies, at least on the field. You only have to see Sreesanth’s behavior and his expressions to get the picture. But that is beside the point. The point is, even though Yuvraj is in the opposite team and giving headache to the Punjab team (to put it mildly), Preity chooses to be happy for him ignoring her own team.

Now she should learn something from Shah Rukh Khan. Even when the Kolkata team was in doom, SRK was at the team’s beck and call. Every time, he encouraged his team to do well, give their best, never mind the outcome. Even when Ganguly joined Pune team, SRK wished him well. He wished that Ganguli scores well against all teams except Kolkata. That is the spirit, rather team spirit. Team comes first. At one point SRK went on to say that however good or bad they play, they were his boys. He never ignored them.

But Preity’s case is different. She is friends with Yuvraj and a good friend at that, especially after Ness Wasia. Now as they say, a friend is a friend, whether in her team or opponent’s, no? That reminds me of a song in Sholay, “Ye dosti hum nahin todenge………..is team mein raho ya us team mein.”

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Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Politically incorrect-Age limit for drinking in India

So now you will have to wait till you are 25 years old to have your first taste of alcohol in India. In a time and age when children are getting matured earlier than we used to in our time, this is whimsical and ridiculous to say the least. A thirteen year old child today knows much more about everything (right from internet to sex) then what we knew at the age of eighteen. It appears that the state wants to find various ways and means for the regulators of this law to line their pockets, for the simple reason, it is impossible to implement this law. And if the powers that be think that they can, they are living in a fool’s paradise. Anyway, I am past sixties, so there.

What next, scam? You are lucky there. There is no age limit here. You scam as early as you can, in fact, sooner the better. Your eligibility to enter politics increases with each scam. Of course, if you are unlucky, you may be tried for these scams once in a while, like say, Kalmadi and Raja. But your ill gotten wealth will remain with you and your chances in political career will increase depending on how thick skin and stubborn you are. Sharad Pawar is a good example.

And then next, sex? The state may come with a law that you can’t enjoy sex till you are 25. You may well ask why. Population control. This is the easiest and surest way of delaying grand arrival of little angles on this fani duniya (retched earth). Of course you can get married at 21 or 18 as the case may be, no denying that. You may romance for the first four years of married life but you can’t have the bliss of consummating your marriage for which you have eagerly waited for 21 years of your life. Of course, you can go on your honeymoon. But the most you can do is to hold hands of your spouse or give him or her, a smooch now and then. That’s it. For the rest of the marital bliss you will have to depend on your imagination for four years. There is a couplet in Urdu which translates: after all there is more thrill in expectation then actual meeting. “Jo maaza intezaar mein hai, vo maaza vasle-yaar mein nahin.”

So be grateful. The state wants to give you more then you share of expectations.

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Header image credit: adapted from David Niblack

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